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You gotta have faith This is Officer Lee Groinman, That’s right Washington’s Most Disgusted Cop.
It’s around 4 am, and I’m ponderin’ this very question. Can’t sleep so I put on some coffee, some South American Triple Roasted Double X Factoria Especial. Not sure what factoria is all about, but this brew could stimulate Todd Turner. I’ve downed about a gallon and a half when I arrive in Husky Stadium’s E-1 parkin’ lot. I’m in a caffeniated state of mind and bladder. So what’s to eat? Well first things first, I had to take a tour of the pavement, just to get my bearings and to sell that one extra ticket I had. I had already turned down the guy on the Mountlake exit, he offered me a twenty. This one dude offers me twenty as well, “Nah” I said, “My brother-in-law offered me twenty, to hell with him.” “Will you take twenty-five?” “Sure.” This transaction, as you might suspect, was the highlight of the day. Remember folks, scalpin’ is illegal, so never try this at home.... Try as I might, I could not have contemplated the play of our Dawgs against the Sooners. I did notice some very attractive women folk from Sooner country, didn’t contemplate them either. Clearly this was a game where it didn’t pay to do your own thinkin’... Along about mid point of the second quarter, I was having severe doubts. I knew Oklahoma was tough and that we would have to see improvement across the board to stay with them, and this is what I expect from every game, improvement. What I do not expect is more poor tackling, no QB pressure, more drops, more poor accuracy, and most of all, our runners being bitch-slapped for fumbles. I think there was about 3:42 left in the second quarter when Garcia got down and laid out another one of his “bounce-snaps” to Jake resulting in yet another turnover. I mean Juan, ya big dummy, how long you been here? How heavy is that ball there Garcia, do ya’ need two hands? Do we need more push-ups here? Juan, I’m your biggest fan, I know your momma, get a grip on that thing. YOU HEAR ME? I snapped. I’ve had season tickets for over 25 years, but whose counting? For the first time ever, I left Husky Stadium before the game was over, hell before the HALF was over! It was disgusting. This one kid, a college aged Husky fan wanted to high-five me on my way out. It’s beyond me folks... I got back to my rig. There were beers in the cooler but what’s the point? I think I was home about the time the game was over. I didn’t even know the final score. There was a time when a loss could bother me for over a month or more. But why should another loss bother me more than the players. UW players don’t get upset after a loss, why me? On this night, I grab a piece of cold pizza and go to bed. In the mornin’ my wife Gloria is punchin’ me in the ribs. “Lee! Get up! It’s our anniversary and YOU ARE taking me to Church, then out to brunch!” Sometimes our God is a very cruel and punishin’ God.... I’m sittin’ there in the pew, when I notice Elliot the owner of the local Tavern come stumbling in. He had been closing up shop after a Saturday Night as usual... This Church is pretty casual. The Pastor is the Rev. Dave Edler, former pitcher for the Mariners. Pastor Dave approaches the pulpit.... “Good morning everyone! Today’s sermon is about faith and what it can do for our life’s!” “Shall we pray? “Dear Lord we ask for help in our daily struggles with faith, especially for those Huskies and Cougars in attendance with us today, and what about the Mariner’s Dear Lord, what about us? We ask for your holy wisdom and guidance for us lowly and unworthy Mariner fans, oh Lord please don’t forsake us lowly and unworthy Mariner fans...” At this point I glance over at Elliot, the dumb coug is smirkin’ at me. Well Pastor Dave gets rollin’ with his sermon. “There was a time,” he said,” when I doubted my faith and my abilities as a pitcher, it was a constant struggle. There were years in fact, when I was the last one to leave the Tavern, every night!” “Yeah Elliot! Ya’ dumb Coug! What time you get home last NIGHT!” “Now Lee, remember the story about those that live in glass houses and the parable about slivers and planks in the eye.” “Sorry Pastor Dave, but Elliot, Elliot’s the one that started it.... Pastor Dave continued. “You see folks, without faith, we are nothing. Our country was built on faith, without faith, you and I would not be sitting here right now. Speaking of sitting, you all have faith, none of you came here this morning and inspected the seating, you had faith that the seating would support your substance, some of you may have been worrisome but all sat down (nervous laughter). Some of you like Groinman had faith that the coffee would be hot, Lee brought in his half gallon cup, showing faith that the coffee would be hot, yet still Lee sleeps (laughter). At this point Gloria stabs me in the ribs, I’ve heard bits and pieces thru my snooze. I jumps up and declares “Yes Sir Pastor Dave! I do have the highest faith that I will be up and a-peeing-freely why within the hour!” At this point Pastor Dave tries to bring his sermon in for a landing. “You see friends, without faith, communication itself breaks down, communication with your peers, your family, your spouse, your co-workers, team mates, your God. What happens then?” “May we bow our heads.”? At this point the screen comes down from the over-head projector. A figure comes on the screen. It’s Strother Martin, the prison Captain from the movie “Cool Hand Luke.” “What we’ve got here is failure, failure to communicate.” Amen Brother, Amen... Led Zeppelin once wrote a song about it. “Communication Breakdown.” It’s always the same.. Starts from the top, ya’ think? Sermon over, we head for the exits, Elliot avoids me like the 12-day flu. Pastor Dave wants to shake my hand. I fear he’s about to give me a big butt chewing for my disturbances in Church. I’m used to it. Don James once thought about it at the Tyee 5th quarter... “You know Lee, it seems the Apple Cup might have two teams looking for their first win!” “First win Pastor Dave? Seems Pastor Dave is one of those cougs, and we all know some, that only pay attention to about one game a year, the Apple Cup. Seems Pastor Dave missed the impressive coug win over mighty Portland State. “Didn’t we just have an hour long sermon on faith Pastor Dave?” “Oh yes, it appears that our teams this year are for the faith based, hard-core fan only, much like a faith based Church, Lord knows, who else would stick around?” “A question for you Pastor Dave, do you think that the Lord is A Dawg fan?” “I’m uncertain Lee, I know he cares about what is important in your life, and you do have to be on the #1 team in the end.” “Not sure I could ever root for any Georgia or SC Pastor Dave.” “So what about the cougs Pastor Dave?” “Well Lee, I gotta tell ya’ this.” “I’m thinking that Jesus just left Pullman, and he’s headed on down for New Orleans...” Ya’ know there just maybe something about this faith thing. Why just this week Craig Noble was finally cleared for Husky ball, now Noble was definitely testing my faith in the whole process! Now from the mouth of Lappano himself, “Boyles did a nice job. Anthony, No. 1, is on time for everything -- and that's where it all begins.” There you have it folks! Why this team is getting it all together! Can’t you FEEL IT? Why I’m startin’ to sense a 64-ounce can of Blow-Out Whoop Ass!
“Tree-Huggin’ Blend.” Keep the faith Dawgs, it’s Stanford for creepers sake.... I can’t even fathom a game against Stanford being of the “must win” variety for Willingham and the Dawgs, but there you have it folks, at times it just don’t pay to do your own thinkin’... GO DAWGS!!
Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com |
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