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Articles
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Walking, riding and winning
That’s right, the most positive, optimistic and not to mention good lookin’ Husky fan. Gloria, the wife unit, said that I had to create a more ‘visual’ aspect to my stories, so without gettin’ graphic, I threw in ‘good-lookin’. Hope it helps... Speaking of the wife, the ol’ gal is still hangin’ in there! She’s now had two hip replacements on the same hipo, can’t remember which side, just look for the scars I suppose. Then of course we had to fuse 4 vertebrae in her lower lumbar region. That’s in the back down by the butt for those of you in the greater Pullman area. The Docs are now keeping an eye on another vertebrae on top of the previous four which they already fused, if they fuse this one, it would make 5 total vertebrae fused and thus would complete the entire set. With a completed set, I do believe you receive a certificate to the ‘Outback Steak House’. Try the baby back ribs... Oh hey, I forgot to mention, ya’ know just for laughs, after the first hip replacement failed, they went back in there and had to sand down more bone to stimulate more ‘new’ bone growth, well they got sandin’ away alright, then they found what was causin’ even more pain and excitement. The glue they used on her fused vertebrae had leaked out and had cut a two-inch tear in her spinal cord! Ain’t surgery a blast! I was thinkin’ the other day, what with all this talk about ‘stimulating new growth’ bone and otherwise, that maybe, just maybe I’d send ol’ Coach Willingham a little present. Ya’ know, send a little surprise for him, how about a Black and Decker belt sander? Hey it’s been a real hoot around the Groinman house the past couple of years or so, ya’ know with all these surgeries and medical bills. I’m proud to announce that our life has kept right on pace with the Husky football team! Both in the crapper and in a financial circus. Well the Dawgs are at least back in the black, while the Groinmans are still in the john... So I did what any red-blooded American male would do when facing a financial crisis. I bought a brand new bike! A big bike, a big red bike, real red. A buddy of mine had mentioned he’d like to buy a motorcycle but had no experience with one. ‘Well hell Jerry, I’ll go down and help you look! We can take my truck!’ So we head down to the local Harley, Yamaha, and Suzuki shop. Let me tell ya’, this shop ain’t like the old days. Gone are the oil stains on the floor left over from the Jim Owens days. Gone are the 259-pound tattooed biker chicks. Gone are the girly-posters in the back room. Now you got glass walls and polished marble floors, with gleaming chrome trim accenting 99-pound tattooed biker chicks, and you gotta go to the head to see any real girly posters.... Marv, the bike salesman, greets us near the door. ‘Fellas’ he says with a twinkle in his eye that seemed to match the wickedly nasty grin on his face. “Fella’s,” he says, “ I just gotta show you this babe we got in the back. Just got her in, just finished setting her up! She’s a beauty, a real torque monster! “Oh my, whoa, my oh my...” “Now Lee, this ain’t like the old days, the tattooed chicks stay in the shop...” “Thanks Marv...” So there I am signin’ the papers... Jerry’s still looking... Marv’s still grinning... But Groinman’s still ridin’! And ridin’ strong!! On a red, real red, torque manster! Now I just gotta get that red torque manster into the garage sight unseen, right under the suspecting nose of Gloria the wife unit. The way Groinman here has it figured, Gloria, in her physical condition may not see the garage until the Rose Bowl...
Eli, not to be out done starts his circle dance, the one with his paws out stretched to the stars, looks somewhat like Jethrow Bowden Clamplett. About the same height. At about that time, Eli trips over Gloria’s purple Tuba. His butt I believe landed on the F flat note... “Groinman! What’s THIS!!” “Why it’s a new motorcycle there Gloria.” “LEE how could you!!” “Easy there Gloria, why with the gas savings alone we will save more that enough to make the payments, piece of cake. And besides Gloria, I’m doing my best to reduce our countries dependence on foreign oil, it’s MY patriotic and civic duty...” “But Lee! Will that bike make my butt look fat?” “No worries Gloria! I already got a custom made gel-packed back-sided wide saddle seat on order!!” Was it something I said? Oh hey, ain’t life great! Ya’ know I gotta tell ya’. Gloria, the wife is gettin’ better everyday! The docs told her she’d never be able to walk the stairs again, told us to sell our home and get a single story place. This didn’t set well with me as I have my ‘bunker’ in the basement...Well as fate would have it; she is now migrating up and down the stairs and with the help of a walker can make it all the way to the fridgerater! Now she’s checkin’ out gel-packed motorcycle seats!! The way Groinman here has got it figured, she’ll be out of that walker and getting by with the help of a cane by San Jose State! I’ll have a little surprise for her by then, a cane of her own. Thirty-two inches of solid hard polished, laser beam honed, black Tennessee Hickory stick...I have spares... Oh I gotta tell ya’ this! I’m startin’ to feel it fellas! If Gloria can climb the stairs, the Dawgs can get on a roll! All things are POSSIBLE!! A real smart guy once said that... Hey! Just ask Shelton Sampson! It’s a new day Dawgs, and it starts NOW!! I can see it! Marcel Reese creates a dimension we’ve never seen! Other teams try to smother the line of scrimmage, then they try a man-to-man, then they go to a zone. Soon we’ve got Rod Serling on the Super Tron! “Welcome to the “Zone” Husky Fans, a place where all things are possible, a special kind of a place, you may have been here for decades, or just for the last two years, this is now different, so very different, you’ve now entered the Zone... The TW Zone... Back to you Lou..” “Thanks Rod! “HELLOO DAWG FANS!! “Hello LOU!!” DO YOU HEAR ME!! As DAVIDDAWG always said: “GET THERE EARLY, YELL LOUD, AND STAY LATE!” Or something like that... I’ll be there early. I’ll be yellin’ loud, I’ll be stayin’ late. I’ll be the one on the bike, the big bike, the red bike, the real red bike... GO DAWGS!! Groinman’s tip of the week: Dawgs by 23. Burgers with Walla Walla onions on the grill, smothered with home grown beef-steak tomatoes, oh yeah...
Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com |
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This
is Officer Lee Groinman.
Plenty of time. Yeah right. As I’m
pulling into the driveway Eli and Elsie, my Malamute pups foil the plan. Elsie,
in her best Arctic voice, the one she’s been using to try out for the “All
Malamute Tabernacle Choir” announces to everyone within 6 miles that there is a
new dude in our house...