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Groinman's headed for La La Land Hey Malamute, This is Officer Lee Groinman. As you can tell by now, I ain’t writin’ no story this week. I know, I know, it’s ucla and all, and I’ve been to ucla far too many times in the past. And my past is callin’, and always will... The past, so haunting, and with Halloween still a month away. Creepy... But this year Mal, I ain’t goin’ to no ucla,...no SIR!! Ucla, I still have Napoleon nightmares... Ucla?? Ya’ see Rich, it’s kinda’ like this... It’s nearly Friday AM and I got no tickets, no reservations, no nothin’... A few years ago, that list above wouldn’t amount to a pile of grinded beans... We would, and could still drive down and “camp out” in your driveway, like we did back in ’97... or was it ’99? Your wife Audrey, did in fact inform me that we are always ‘welcome’ to ‘stay’ in your driveway, as long as we would promise to please just stay, “STAY IN THE DRIVEWAY!!” Seems like some of your neighbors, got some long memories, memories like Elephants, probably Republicans, or maybe just angry Democrats... But again how do I digress... “Just stay in the DRIVEWAY GROINMAN!!” “DO YOU HEAR ME??” That Audrey. She’s such a sweet little thang, and that Audrey, she sure do run such a tight ship. No wonder Rich, it’s no wonder you turned out so good! Wives, them wives are a wondrous thang, ain’t they Mal? Yup, my wife Gloria just got off her medication this week, and at the same time they found out her thyroid gland has “burned-out...” Ya’ gotta’ like a Doctor who can use the term “burned-out” with so much conviction!! I hear he ate up the sixties.. Yeah, so now Gloria is comin’ down off the pain meds she’s been on since the hip-replacement surgery. Gloria is now on “thyroid-hormone-replacement supplements.” Supplements my butt, Gloria is now growing hair. Hair where women should not be doing so, if ya’ know what I mean... I gotta’ tell ya’ this Rich, just between me and you, I’m about ready to call a Doctor. But the again, I married one. And look where that got me... I’ll tell ya’ this Rich. Don’t ever let your wife Audrey start mixin’ up her meds with hormone-replacement stuff. Audrey already has got a wonderful head of hair, and sometimes it’s best just to leave things alone... Just ask Gloria! HOLEY CRAPES!!! Suddenly, her Army boots don’t seem so bad. Well Mal, Ol’ buddy, like I said, I don’t believe I’ll be writin’ any story, on account of me not going down and stayin’ in your driveway... “Just STAY IN THE DRIVEWAY GROINMAN!!” I did tell Deputy Mikey to put away the matches... So sorry... Hey, dammit, Rich, it’s nearly 1 AM. It’s already Friday. Sorry about the lack of a story, I’m sure you’re grateful too... Anyway, it’s been a very strange week. I feel sort of un-plugged, or maybe dis-gomb-boob-ulated. It really makes you fatique-mulated. Bein’ today is already Friday, it’s gonna happen today. Sarge Larry Morrison will be buried today. The Media is makin’ a spectacle out of this... somewhat big-time. That group out of Kansas, that group headed up by that Baptist preacher is supposed to be here, protestin’. It was on the RADIO!! This is not the time and place for those to get themselves in the news... ALL ON ACCOUNT OF SGT. LAWRENCE MORRISON!! DO YOU HEAR ME!! Later that night, while still agitated, I was giving Gloria her “hip-replacement-butt-massage therapy.” “AS NEEDED ONLY!!” (Doctor’s orders) I happened to mention to Gloria, about the protest scheduled for the Sarges funeral... “Now simmer down Lee, Sgt. Larry Morrison would get a special kick out of THAT!!” “Ouch!! Now quit that!!” Yup, I suppose he would, I reckon Ol’ Sarge Larry just might have a special kind of salute in mind. The one that features the single-fingered variety... Complete with Sarge Morrison’s Kentucky Blue Grass eatin’ Grin!!! I told Gloria, that she was probably right, no, she was exactly right! Sgt. Morrison would holler in his Kentucky drawl to “jest bring ‘er on!!” Gloria then broke down, completely and to the core, uncontrolled tears. It hurts a man to see his wife in this state. Gloria starts to ramble... “I just can’t fathom Larry being dead! My SGT. MORRISON!!” And we’ll be having protesters! AT LARRY’S FUNERAL!! I’LL GIVE “EM THE FINGER MYSELF!! Now Gloria, relax, this is America, and people have the right to express themselves... ‘Not like this Lee... and you know IT!!’ At around about this time the phone rang, it was just Thursday night! “Yeah Lee. We’ll be on your driveway by high noon, we’ve got your ucla ticket, you got the Subway sandwiches right? And we’re camping out in some driveway in Camarillo California? A driveway called “Audrey’s Lane?” Yup, and what a week it’s been, and how I do need a good, I mean a GOOD! Husky game!! Well Rich, sorry I couldn’t send any story this week, maybe next week, but wait, next weeks the bye week, I got married on a “bye” week, it must be my anniversary... Well, I’ll see ya’ in the mornin’ anyway. GO DAWGS!! --------- The misadventures of Lee Groinman are based on the mostly true life experiences of a real, diehard Dawg fan, who wishes he were the cop he pretends to be. The tall, lanky Norwegian, with a boundless sense of humor, loves tailgating before Husky games, bringing lutefisk and “Dawg Breath” chili to the party. Living in eastern Washington, he is devoted to his family and two Alaskan Malamutes, Eli and Elsie. Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com |
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