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This is Officer Lee Groinman, That’s right, Seattle’s Most Displaced Cop... Ya’ see due to the stress and financial burden placed upon me, entirely by my wife Gloria, earlier this year, I was forced to forget about sendin’ in my Tyee donation... So back towards the end of July, when things had seemed to settled back down somewhat, I thought I’d call Tyee and see about gettin’ in thru the back door, so to speak, as half of our group had already sent in their Tyee bucks, and their parkin’ passes were nearly in hand! Better call Ms. Suddath at Tyee... “Yeah, uh Dean, Dean Suddath, please?” “Dean speaking. How can I help you?” Yeah Dean, Lee Groinman here, “Lee! How ya’ been you ol’ Carpet-Bagger?” Well that’s just why I’m callin’ Dean, ya; see I just got snot-lockered in the teeth earlier on this year, and was wonderin’ about tryin’ to pony up with the Tyee donation now, ya’ know... to try and make things all better... “Well that’s real sweet of you Lee, but tickets are already printed and about to be sent. They do get printed down there in Arkansas you know.” That’s real nice Dean. “But Lee, I do have two seats available in sec. 49, but that’s only about 10 yards nearer the 50, plus you’d be a bit higher.” Well let’s see... “Lee, you might want to just stay put this year, but you would get the parking pass with that donation, but then again, you’ve never PAID for parking anyway...Besides you’ll just migrate around the Stadium like always.” With that said, I was officially kicked out of the Tyee Club, donation still in pocket... But yet, with my neglect, our group had become divided, them over there, and me and Deputy Mikey over here... BUT I GOTTA TELL YA’ THIS!! Ya’ see, everytime we sat with those guys last year, we lost!! So now ‘we’ve’ got ‘new’ seats this year, over towards the West End Zone, it’s been twenty years since we’ve sat over there, but history does have a way of repeatin’ itself, I’m dreamin’ of Fred Small’s kick-off fumble recovery against USC, resultin’ in one of the biggest Dawg wins in OUR History, we are nearly in the same seats, just a couple of rows over! As Lou Gellerman might say... “That’s the West end zone, DAWG fans, that’s the closed end of the Stadium DAWG FANS!! I’d now like to thank my spotters...” Lou, ya’ gotta’ Love Lou... “HELLOO DAWG FANS!!” So now we’ve been sent towards the “Fun Zone.” I happened to turn my back to the big screen. I glanced back towards the Lake... “That’s the opened end of the Stadium, DAWG FANS!!” That Lou.... We found our ‘new’ seats in the West end of the Stadium... “That’s the closed end of the Stadium, DAWGFANS...” Thanks Lou... We found our seats, and as usual, we’re sittin’ right in front of ‘Mr. Husky Know-it-all!” 23 years of buyin’ season tickets, most of those years Tyee, and every year we find ourselfs in front of just one more Mr. Husky “Know-it-All...” HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN!! “Hi, This is Dr. Neil F. Clark, founder of perfectmatch.com. At perfectmatch, we go deeper into those issues. Those issues you’ve never even dealt with before... At perfectmatch.com, we’ll tell you what you need to know, just shut up, and pony up. We do everything from dating and marriages, to step-kids and football seating!! Just call 1-800-SEN-CASH!! I must have been listenin’ to KOMO, old radio, worn battery perhaps... Now Mr. “Know-it-All” proceeds to tell the entire section about how ‘we’ got a Quarterback, a Jimmy DeRoacher, a kid just outside of Spokane somewhere’s.... “He’s the real deal folks! Not eligible today, due to his transfer from Portland State, but I’ll tell ya’ this DAWG fans! This kid will have a bigger impact on this program than Sam Emtman did!! Hey they went to the same High School too, over there by Idaho, and we’ll be playing Idaho next year!” I just gotta’ tell ya’ this... There is nothin’ else I cant’s stands more than some ‘know-it-all loud mouthed BRAGGART!!” It just don’t fit into my cultured ways and style.... So now Cal takes the kickoff! The Bears precede to get greedy. New Cal JC transfer, QB Joe Ayoob promptly became his rhyme sake... Going long on first down, his long pass bounced off the unsuspectin’ knoggin’ of defender Matt Fountaine, unfazed, the ball bounced off the unsuspectin’ helmet and into the unsuspectin’ hands of Darrin Harris!! The BUZZ rings thru the crowd! Much like it did back on Halloween in ’81’ when Robb Weller introduced the “Wave”, which of course, resulted in a 42-31 win over John Elway’s Stanford Cardinal... It looked good. On first and 10, Dawgs in Stanford territory, Stanback calls timeout... A groan rims thru Sec 39, rolls over to and thru 41.The verball ‘Wave’ perhaps... “Now THAT’S COACHING!!” Mr. “Know-it-All” bellows OUT!! “That’s Junior High STUFF!!” Mr. “Know-it-all” continued.... Stanback over center, first and 10, drops back, he hits a streakin’ Sonny Sacklelford for a TD!! Roundeau goes nuts!! “TOUCHDOWN WASHINGTON!!” “NOW THAT”S COACHIN’” Me and Deputy Mikey belch out... “That was the West end of the Stadium Dawgfans, the closed end...” Thanks again Lou... “Hello DAWG FANS!! Well we got teased again. A decent effort, a ‘could-mighta’’ been deal. Yet another loss... Division seems to have run amok thru out our fan base, our country, and even our country’s leaders. On Sunday I attended the AM Church service. Pastor Vaughn had been layin’ it down pretty lately good on “UNITY” Afterall. Our motto at the “Church of the BIKER be HOLY ROLLERS”. Is this. “We accept all believers, even YAMAHA’S!!” Now Pastor Vaughan, former hell-raiser from the get-go, has been on this serious kick about unity, especially since Katrina, he got on a big ol’ roll on Sunday. “New Orleans, now if I was the boss of New Orleans, I’ll tell ya’ what I’d do. I’d take all the finger-pointin’ all the hate, plus the vice, all the gamblin’, all the liquor, and all the beer, the wine, all the corruption, the evil women and all temptations of worldly men... Pastor Vaughan has now got a spit flyin’ back 15 rows!! This is when it gets good,,, “I’d take all those temptations and I’d throw ‘em all, all of ’em in the RIVER!! THAT’S RIGHT!! THE RIVER!! IT’S Time to be UNITED!!” “DO YOU HEAR ME!!” That Pastor Vee, he sings a spirited tune, his tuning fork is whacked upon my pointed-knoggin’... I thought I’d better migrate around Husky Stadium to unite with my fellow DAWG fans. Therefore we could all be unified and UNITED!! Maybe even have a Tent-REVIVAL Meetin’ at our own tent... You’re all INVITED!! Let’s now all sing Hymn #169. “SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER” That’s Deputy Mikey on accordion, folks, let’s all give it up for Deputy Mikey!! On ACCORDION!! So now we’re lookin’ down the barrel of Idaho. Idaho will be lookin’ to get back into the coveted Northwest Championship race, while the Dawgs will be lookin’ for that elusive “W”. As a former resident of Idaho... I’ll tell ya’ this!! There’s to many rivers to cross for Idaho... And not a one runs thru it... GO DAWGS! Groinman’s tip of the week: “Never take a bettin’ tip from a Police Officer...No Sir... P.S. I got a message from Step-Boy Ben down there in New Orleans, the Air-Force Fly-Boy, he’s tryin’ to help out those Hurricane Katrina folks, the phone service is shot, and cell phones are spotty. He did however manage to get this text message out and thru on to us, clever little monkey that he is.... “SEND CHEE-TOOS!!” (sp) ---------------- The Lee Groinman episodes are based on the true life experiences of a real, diehard Dawg fan, who wishes he were the cop he pretends to be. The tall, lanky Norwegian, with a boundless sense of humor, loves tailgating before Husky games, bringing lutefisk and “Dawg Breath” chili to the party. Living in eastern Washington, he is devoted to his family and two malamutes named Eli and Elsie. Officer Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com |
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