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Accepting Willingham's challenge Malamute, 6 June 2005
In explaining his edict, which limits the media to the first 25 minutes of practice, Coach Tyrone Willingham responded that the media thrives on controversy, that controversy sells papers, that creative writers will find ways to write good stories. "You're challenging us?" Newnham asked. "Yes, I am," Willingham replied with a smile. So, how have the Seattle media responded to the challenge? We grade some Seattle reporters from A to F, based on their latest "creative" contributions to the world of sports. I, ahem, have written a creative letter to the coach, which follows down below. Bud Withers of the Seattle Times When it comes to running afoul of the law, we all know that Husky football players are the worst offenders in college football. Why? Our local media continually tells us so, a repetitive theme most likely inspired by the movie Groundhog Day. In one of his latest articles, Withers responded to Ty's challenge for creativeness by recycling a story concerning the lawyer who, in the past, has represented Husky athletes that have had problems with the law. The last legal hurdle occurred in 2003. In his article, the imaginative Withers presents a laundry list of past UW miscreants, going back to the fraternity brawl that occurred in 1999. Worst of all he takes a cheap shot at former UW quarterback Taylor Barton. Besides lacking originality, Withers seems to have ripped off a Pullmaniacal theme ineloquently espoused by Jim Moore of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer who, in the past, has written numerous articles about this lawyer, Mike Hunsinger. These stories imply that Husky football players have more legal difficulties and make more blunders than sportswriters. In the latter case, the problem is that no one is watching the reporters, other than maybe a few bloggers. A month ago, the P-I's Ted Miller was in a self-congratulatory mood, praising the "muckraking" reporters who follow college football. Miller wrote an article praising Oregon State officials for "taking a hard line against crime." He praised the media for exposing the drunken shenanigans that follow a few college football players around; otherwise, in his mind, "few would have noticed." Mysteriously, somehow, as if left over from one of Moore's columns, this snippet suddenly appears in Ted's story, "Oregon State's football team isn't awash in criminality, just like a lack of offseason arrests at Washington doesn't mean the Huskies are suddenly saints." Withers' grade for creative writing: F. Miller gets an A because that one sentence, inserted in an otherwise entertaining article, got him panned on Husky message boards. Jim Moore of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer Fobbed off as a writer by the P-I, Moore, a cow-dung-to-methane-gas producing wonk, thinks Cold Fusion means being in the company of an Icy lady. In other words, Moore, who is a Coug as you might have guessed, is out of touch with the times. Being creative in Pullman means that after looking for new sheep, one uses a lodestone compass to get back to the barn. Down in Corvallis, at another cow college, a footballer reportedly kidnapped a homosexual ram after tippling a few. "I'm from a city. I don't know anything about sheep," the tipsy Beaver said. Moore's general grade for creativity: B- (After all, Hunsinger is Moore's copy). Ted Miller of the P-I Commenting on the number of commitments to the last UW recruiting class, Miller writes, “that total relegates the Huskies to the sewer of the Pac-10 recruiting rankings." "Sewer of the Pac-10," that is original, I thought. So I googled for that phrase and found an article written in the Stanford Daily, February 18, 1999, saying "...only to let USC, which at the time was drudging along the Pac-10's sewer, steal a game at Maples." Miller's grade for originality: A. (He didn't go to Stanford, and he got panned on Husky message boards for the sludgy phrase). Malamute at 4malamute.com (letter to the coach) Subject: Speed Kills Dear Coach Willingham, Although I've never played college-or-high-school football, I've read some books on the spread offense that qualify me as an "X" and "O's" person. Also, I wrote an imaginative article urging you to send offensive coordinator Tim Lappano to Gainesville this summer so that he can fertilize our Turf with the spread offense; also, I am the guy who sent Lambo the trick play that somehow got bollixed up in the Oahu Bowl; and, though I once played to a 10, I can still smash a mashi, chili-dip with a spoon and do 50 reps in the sand. Ha! During the Town Hall forum, you bemoaned the lack of speed in certain areas of your Husky team, clearing your throat three times, the last being a decibel busting AHEM! Anyway, that AHEM got me to thinking, and I designed a play for you to get some speed on the field. Your Huskies ranked last in Division IA scoring last season, averaging 14 points per game, and you need to get some points on the board faster than you can say, "Todd Turner's 'pizzazz.'" In my offensive play (see the diagram below), two speedsters, Isaiah Stanback and Shelton Sampson, are the X and Z receivers. Two go-to guys, Corey Williams and Craig Chambers, are the A backs. The speedy Louis Rankin is the B back lined up behind the quarterback, Carl Bonnell. Off this formation, Bonnell can either pass (play action) or run the triple option (give, keep, pitch). For minor details (e.g., blocking patterns, alignment techniques, the read key, the mesh, the speed option, etc.), reference the stacks in Dr. Suzzallo's library. Have someone clear the kids out first. Also, someone needs to tell Stanback, the expected starting quarterback, that he's been moved to X receiver. Have a Dawggone good summer and a Dawgerrific fall. Mal, P.S. If you wish, this letter can be used as the calling card for arranging an interview with Urban Meyer before Lappano trips to Gainesville this summer. After I redesign the trick play I sent Lambo, I'll send it to you. Would you have Jim Daves time Johnie Kirton in the 40?
Malamute's grade for being imaginative: I'm out of here. Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com |
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