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Dear Coach To-Be,

Coach, here's a warning label for your new product, the UW football team.

The streaks involving non-losing seasons and scoring-in-consecutive games have vanished a la Lance Burton and Margaret Mitchell, infuriating us nerdish fans.

No big deal? You need a Husky history lesson:

Washington’s most successful coach, Gil Dobie (58-0-3), was given the heave ho by the U-dub "librarian," a guy named Henry.

In fact, every coach since Gloomy Gil, who has coached more than one year at the UW, has either been fired or has resigned under fire.

Okay, so that's par for the course for a coach, but hear me out.

• The Slickster was fired for participating in an auction, even though an advisor said it was okay to bid.

• Lambo said thirty years of service deserved better.

• The Dawgfather said his problems started with the Seattle Times.

• One guy jumped ship, somewhat royally, after just one year at the helm.

• One coach claimed a booster started a players' mutiny that torched his career.

• An outsider started another mutiny that embroiled a coach.

• The Cowboy’s parting shot destroyed a whole conference.

• Whisky Jim said he got a "Pearl Harbor deal."

• The Prez torpedoed Baggie’s recruiting efforts.

• Dobie was falsely accused of starting a mutiny.

• Claude Hunt, who quit in a huff, pulled a Grover Cleveland, sandwiching his terms.

We had an AD whose fascination with the Slickster made two states mad at her; another AD diverted money from a football exhibition to a booster’s slush fund.

A fruit-basket scandal threw rotten apples on the Dawgfather's dynasty. Big Brother two-platooned the Big Fella’s empire. One booster got keelhauled for piloting a boat, whose token-taker charged too little. The King and Billy Joe (almost) took pay cuts when they turned pro.

This is a school victimized by mutineers, serial dynasty killers and a local media that doesn’t give a rat's rear end for its successes on the gridiron.

But it ain't all bad, coach.

Now for the good news.

Thirty-nine of the 44 two-deeps return. Your likely starting quarterback, Isaiah Stanback, and his go-to-guy, Craig Chambers, have the potential of being the best pass-catching combo in the league. They’re kind of a Pickett/Williams deal.

A "dapple-hair" Douglas kicks with the power of Panza's mule. And I'm not being quixotic.

You can only improve on last season’s 1-10 record; you’ve got a tap-in with Idaho. You get the Peevers and Palosers (both gimmes) in Seattle. That’s 3-8 before the season even starts, a heck of an improvement. In fact, I’ll settle for that right now.  

Seven of your eleven games are mostly at home, one near some railroad tracks, from where you can pour diesel fuel on the Falcons' air game, which thrives on kerosene. That should add fuel to the Huskies' fire.

Most of a solid defense returns. With the exception of Khalif and his backup, the OL all return.

What you need to do.

• You need to recruit, recruit, recruit.

Didn't think of that one, did ya?



• Like the local sportswriters, never talk about Nate, Lorenzo, Rick, and Barbara in the same click of the mouse.
  
  

• Bring in a power running back and/or give Johnie a hard look, lest a dark shroud curtain the program. 
  
  

• Strengthen both the offensive and defensive lines -- in more than one way.
  
  

• Bring in some playmakers, lest you be played out at season's end.
  
  

• If necessary, settle the three-way quarterback controversy by bringing in a JC transfer.

You know, a lantern-jaw QB with high levels of free testosterone who sports a heavy beard that can be grown into impressive game-day stubble a la Chandler.



• Don’t tinker with Casey's sidearm motion or give him a tutor -- he's all academic in the league. Think Carr, Rivers and Favre. (Note: You might want to rethink this).
  
  

• Settle on one quarterback and go with him all season. Right now, numero uno appears to be Isaiah, unless you bring in the J.C.





• Hang on to Scott , Randy, Jimmy, and Chris, all able assistants.
  
  

• Consult with Gilby about what went wrong. No schadenfreude, please. Schadenfreude is the latest buzzword on the Internet message boards; BTW, don't read the boards.
  
  

• Build up the confidence of your quarterbacks and players.





• Turn on the rock music during practices.





• No Bear Crawls after practice. They’re degrading. If a guy doesn’t work hard, don’t play him.





• Be a player’s coach. Never curse a player, question his manhood, or grab his face mask. Don’t act like Woody or Vince, for their methods have vanished under the light of Pete Carroll's successes.
  
  

• Emphasize studying and the importance of graduating.





• Never leave your X's and O's lying around on XP. Learn to encrypt files and make a password recovery disk. Be on the lookout for snitches and Trojans, no pun intended.
  
  

• Never use a cell phone in an airport; never lie to your AD; never fly in boosters' aircraft.
  
  

• Give Todd and Mark several years to tear up the track, to start improving Husky Stadium and to bring back the purple jerseys, all if not sooner.
  
  

• Be nice to the beat writers who stand in the rain. (Pray for a sou'easter when the Trojans come to town). Loquaciously feed the columnists and sports editors earfuls of jabberwocky.  





• Get a badge number at Boeing, and in case things don’t pan out, craft your exit speech now and think up an endearing sobriquet for yourself.
  
  

• Oh, I almost forgot. You need to beat Oregon. And that's no "bunk," historically speaking. 
  
  

• Now burn this letter.

Your Pal, Mal.

P.S., that's a picture of Gilby and Todd at the top. Beware of the satirist, Max Waugh. Oh, yeah, bring back the Saturday Evening Post.

Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com