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Hey, Prez, say it isn't so By Malamute, 1 April 2004
Nope. President Mark Emmert’s Iron Golem, the one named Gilby, is here for the whole nine yards -- the next three years on his contract. Why? It’ll take $750K to send him back to the cradle of coaches; a new coach will cost at least $1.5 million per annum; and Rick Neuheisel, in 2005, stands to win a huge claim against the UW for unfairly firing him. Meanwhile, the new AD certainly will want more money than Barbara Hedges made (only $225,000 per year). As long as fans fill Husky Stadium and the graduation rates for athletes continue to rise, incoming President Emmert could care less about hiring a new football coach should the inevitable occur, a disastrous football season in 2004. The upper campus will be smiling, coffers will be full and Emmert’s geek-producing institution will be headed for elite status among its academic peers. The new Prez is here to make the UW a qausi-Harvard of the West, so forget the LSU baloney that has replaced that Florida State chopped liver. No self-respecting UW alum wants to be a butt of those dumb-grad jokes, which all Cougar alums must now bear -- all of which come from fielding a successful football team. UW grads can wear that smirky smile, the one left over from the fifties, that kind of smile which, when directed at a Cougar grad, says that I’m smarter than you. Heck, we read poetry to each other at the Hub. Hey, Coug, you ever get a whiff of those stacks at Suzzallo? Ever done a gedanken experiment in pchem, one about Schrödinger’s cat? Hey, Doctor Coug, you got a Merck Manual (home edition) hidden in your desk? Blasted cow college. Gilby keeps Emmert happy. Here are his pros: -- With Keith Gilbertson cast as an Iron Golem, guarding the virtual bank in RPG land, he’ll function as an interim guard, until the real coffers are full enough to hire a better, more expensive Golem. Meanwhile, fans won’t have to worry about another player -- college or pro -- picking him off. No rumors will swirl uncontrollably, relating to Gilby's unexpected departure. “Ha, your Golem tottered off, clanking his way to the City by the Bay, while mine is here to stay.” -- Coaches in Seattle making less than 1000K are not subject to intense media scrutiny, even if they should plunk down a small bet in a March Madness Pool. Really, size does matter. -- Iron Golems come relative cheap; Gold Golems are more expensive than Iron Golems, which make $870,000 per year. To avoid role-playing geeks telling the new AD, ‘You get what you pay for,’ he will need to upgrade Gilby to a Gold Golem, say to one that makes $999K. Platinum/palladium-made Golems, which require cold fusion to make, cost $2,000K more. -- As part of his salary package, Gilby gets a Microsoft discount for any RPG he wants to play, providing the old timer still has his wits about him. He turns 56 on the bewaring ides of May. Now, that’s old. -- Fans won’t have to put up with Softy calling sportswriter Glenn Dickey again. No one wants to hear, “I told you so,” including Softy. -- Sometimes cheaper is better, especially when driving a four-cylinder car up to a gas pump. Gilby’s negs. -- There are none. Just ask Don James, a relative inexpensive, former Platinum Golem.
The Iron Golem pictured above can be purchased at the rpgshop for $10.95. I told you they come cheap. My apologies to Coug fans and alums and to anyone else I've slammed in this spoof, which was written on April Fools Day. http://www.rpgshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=33635 Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com |
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“Hey,
buddy, I’ll trade you three Iron Golems for a level-31 mage.” "Okay," you say?
You see, there is a sucker born every minute in RPG (role-playing game) land.
Will the new, role-playing president of the UW trade his Iron Golem for one
derived from a cold-fusion experiment?
With
tongue hanging out, Spirit asks, “What does tongue-in-cheek mean?”