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Mal’s picks in the Pac, week 4
By: Malamute, Posted 18 September 2003

• Caught up in a no-spin zone of his own making, Malamute is unhappy with his ranking of his alma mater Washington, which he now ranks sixth best in the conference. Our resident gadfly picks the winners in the week’s Pac-10 games, and he is hardly charitable to the teams and coaches. This week’s picks are all about fairy tales, small potatoes, booty, bombs, political correctness, charity and Porta Potties. Let’s hope the Dawgs look better this week.

 

• USC at BNS (Bye-Not-Sexual)

  Raise two fingers if you have two spoiled children you’re supporting at The University of Spoiled Children. Well, one finger’s okay, and you know which one to aim at Pete Carroll’s carolers who are singing the Bye-week blues. QB John David Booty, a stolen nugget from Shreveport, has practiced with the ones this off week, showing that he really is a gem. Thanks to Carroll, the Pac-10 coaches are now known as “Carroll and the Nine Dwarfs.”

  Pick: The handsome pirate with a bundle of booty; U$C over BNS.

• Stanford at BYU

  Speaking of a fairy tale, the politically-correct Tree takes on apolitical BYU, a team that doesn’t care how you bring ‘em, just Young like in Steve Young. The Tree’s gigantic Sequoias are right out of a fairy tale. DE Gray “The Alien” Davidson has the wheels and “license” to roam freely. DT Bruise Bustasplenty can tax and toll a team to death. Former doctorial candidates NT Arnie “The Terminator” Sheetslinger and DE Tom “The Truth” Clintontalk are now PHDs, like in piled-on higher and deeper. Look for the Zebes to call a delay-of-game penalty on the Tree, which will be appealed by Stanford's coach Buddy Teevens.

  Pick: BYU to pile it on, 42-28

  
  

• UCLA at Oklahoma

  Karl Dorrell’s newly installed West Coast Offense should be called a Worst Coast Offense. Of the 117 teams in Division I-A football, his team ranks dead last offensively. The Bruins’ offense has gone from a visible Holy Toledo to an invisible Holy Ghost.

  Pick: Bruin fans might as well be blue sooner than later, pick Sooners, 21-6.

  
  

• Michigan at Whoregon

  The Ladies of the Knight host Michigan. The only question that needs answering is will the Ducks be wearing another one of Phil Knight’s new nuclear-fizzling uniforms? So far, this season, they have worn three different shades of nuke--color them fission, fusion and neutron, all of them bombs. Knight, the CEO at Nike, graduated from Oregon and is a big donor to its athletic program--hence, our nocturnal sobriquets. Look for Mike Bellotti, the Pac-10’s Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, to be wearing a Soylent Green tie, one matching his moustache. When Pac-10 and a Big Ten teams meet, whoever runs the ball best wins, and the Wolverines are the best in the nation at running the ball. Take that to the bank.

  Pick: The only Ducks running fast will be the ones dashing madly to Autzen’s Porta Potties at half-time. Take Michigan, 28-21.

  
  

• Idaho at Washington

  Speaking of Porta Potties, this game stinks, at least on paper, as it has the appearance of  a mismatch. Both coaches, Keith Gilbertson (Washington) and Tom Cable (Idaho) graduated from Snohomish High School, which is located in the Snohomish cradle of coaches. (You know Erickson, Lambo, and so on). (Hey, editor: I hate using "etc." Please, use something else in the last sentence).

  Pick: Look for sleepy-time Gil to rock Cable out of his cradle, say 38-20.

  
  

• Cal at Illinois

  Last week, Illinois’ offense registered 3.0 on Pasadena’s Richter scale, in a 6-3 losing effort to Karl Dorrell’s potent WCO--you supply what the “W” stands for. The offensive Illini are a four-point pick to beat Cal.

  Pick: Illinois in a Bear-market milieu, 4-0.

  
  

• ASU at Iowa

  ASU quarterback Andrew Walter has replaced Cody Pickett as the Pac-10s most viable Heisman Trophy candidate.

  Pick: Look for the Hawkeyes to turn Walter walleyed, 38-35, leaving Pickett green-eyed with envy as Michigan’s John Navarre and Chris Perry gather votes at Autzen.

  
  

• Arizona at Purdue

  As we said, when Pac-10 and Big Ten teams meet, the team that runs the ball best wins. Arizona is averaging 114 yards per game on the ground.

  Pick: John Mackovic will down boilermakers after this game, but not out-down the Boilermakers during the game; Purdue 42-20.

  
  

• New Mexico at Washington State

  WSU—small potatoes by anyone’s measure, but the apple cup of everyone's eyes—has a date with Destiny thanks to Mike Price’s erstwhile soiree with the Cougs. Good recruiting makes for a good football team, and Bill Doba’s Cougars are just that.

  Pick: WSU to beat the Aggies, 49-27.





• Boise State at Oregon State

  I had to do a google for the Boise State Broncos' colors, which are  Orange and Blue. 

  Then I did a google on the psychology of the color orange and got this back: "Orange is a warm color - enthused, vibrant and expansive. If you want to be flamboyant and get attention, use orange! Orange would be a poor choice of background colors (unless you sell fruit juice), and remember... beware combining blues with your orange."

  So, why did the Broncos combine blue with their orange? Did you ever see a blue Bronco? O.J. drives a white Bronco.

  Pick: The color-minded Beavers to change the Broncos' colors to Black and Blue; Beavers 21-10.

Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com