Mal's mean-spirited picks in the Pac

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Mal’s mean-spirited picks in the Pac
By: Malamute, Posted 4 September 2003

Pac-10 juggernauts Washington and Arizona are featured in this week’s games because the conference championship could well be decided when their power running games collide at Tucson on November 8. That game will decide the best-dressed coach in the conference, one that is to be named El Guapo.

Look for Pac-10 doormat USC to win a squeaker over Brigham Young, who doesn’t care how you bring ‘em--just Young, like in Steve Young.

Be sure and watch the nattily attired Gilby on a 4:3 TV screen: the coach’s 4-3 defense against a widescreen’s ungainly image.

You’ll need sunglasses for the clash at Autzen, as those lightning uniforms light up the sky. Does the Pac-10 need another WCO? Jeez.

UCLA at Colorado

Head football coach Karl Dorrell says he’s bringing the West Coast Offense to UCLA. I beg to differ. For years now, the Bruins have had one of the most offensive west-coast offenses.

Pick: Powder Blue, 35-24
Nevada at Oregon

They shouldn’t ever have to play under the lights at Autzen Stadium, home of the Oregon Ducks. They can save a bundle of Uncle Phil’s cash by having the Ladies of the Knight wear their tawdry, lightning-yellow road uniforms to light up the joint. If your TV measures over 150 footlamberts, I recommend a pair of sunglasses, with 24K Iridium Lenses, for watching Oregon’s road games.

Pick: Whoregon, 59-21
San Jose State at Stanford

The politically correct Tree takes on the apolitical Spartans. The Tree's defensive front four is mindful of the days of the Rams' fearsome foursome. DE Gray "Lights Out" Davidson and DT Bruise Bustusplenty can tax and toll a team to death, while NT Arnie "All Muscles" Terminator and DE Tom "The Truth" Clintontalk promise to avoid cutback blocks.

Pick: Tree to terminate the Spartans, 34-21
Indiana at Washington

The one-dimensional Hoosiers play the half-dimensional Huskies. No, that was last week, wasn’t it, when IU played the Connecticut Huskies and lost 34-10? Although the Hoosiers amassed a whopping 110 yards on the ground against last week’s Huskies, we look for this week’s Huskies to stop their vaunted rushing attack, while doubling their own rushing numbers from last week to 14 total yards on the game.

Pick: This week’s Huskies, 34-10
LSU at Arizona

The ‘Cats could have easily have won this mismatch if it weren’t for their recent Wildcat strike. Look for the Tigers to maul John Mackovic’s ‘Mutineers. I can’t wait for Gordo Gilby, the man in the purple tent, to take on the svelte Mackovic, the man in black suit and tie. Both of them are vying for the El Guapo award, to be given to the most handsome Pac-10 coach. Rumor has it that Coach Gilbertson plans to wear either a houndstooth (Paul "Bear" Bryant) or Kufti (Jim Brown) hat along with church clothes to the event.

Pick: LSU 54-10

Northern Arizona at ASU

A laugher.

Pick: Diablos, 48-13

Colorado State at Cal

Gary “Blarney” Barnett takes on the Jeff Tedford’s resurgent Bears. Check that, this is Colorado State the Bears are playing. The laconic Dorrell takes on Blarney Barnett this week. Did Dorrell help recruit Cody Pickett? You know what a talkfest that must have been, you know.

Pick: Colorado State, 42-38

BYU at USC

The Cougars play the weakest defensive team in the conference at the LA Memorial Coliseum, sans Traveler, who has been fired. I’ve heard of firing a coach, but firing a horse?

Pick: Look for the horseless Trojans to edge BYU, 54-13.

WSU at Notre Dame

WSU looked better when they played Ohio State last season than the Irish did when they played USC last year, and since WSU beat USC last season, I’m picking the Golden Domers to tarnish the memory of this game for Coug fans.

Pick: The Knute's, the Rudy's, the Kate's, whatever, 27-24

OSU at Fresno State

The bucolic Beavers take on the Bulldogs. Since my mama told me never to pet a coyote or a bulldog on a bucaholic binge, I'm picking the Beavers.

Pick: Beavers, 45-28

The fact that you made it this far through my column, earns you some levity--I hope.

Here are some punting jokes:

-- Question: "Who is our best punter?"

Answer: "The Admissions Department; they booted our punter all the way out of school."

-- Question: "What is the hang time of our punter?"

Answer: "All night: the alums hung him in effigy."

-- Question: "Why does it take two members of the kicking team to operate a laptop?"

Answer: "One guy holds it, while the other guy boots it."

-- Question: "What is the quickest way to get good at punting?"

Answer: "Practice quick kicking."

-- Question: "Who makes the best pooch punter?"

Answer: "A Dawg!"

-- Question: Who is the Dawgs’ best pooch punter?

Answer: Graham Lasee (Hint: you have to mispronounce his name)

-- Question: "Who makes the best coffin-corner kicker?"

Answer: "An undertaker."

-- Question: Who is Washington’s youngest coffin-corner kicker?

Answer: It used to be Junior Coffin

-- Question: Why doesn't our punter shank any punts?

Answer: Because punting is a shankless job.

-- Question: What do Goldie Hawn and Dawgs’ special teams coach from last year share in common?

Answer: They’re both associated with Mc-LAUGH-l-IN

Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com