Runnin' with the Pac
Lotti Bull has been watching the watchdog
By Malamute, 23 July 2002

Dear Mal,

As you know I've been investigating the NCAA all week. You know, who's watching the watchdog? Well, it seems that Coach Neuheisel has been charged with another secondary violation. Actually, according to the NCAA, Rick committed 175,125 tertiary violations at Colorado, and I'm told that 100,000 tertiary violations equals 1 secondary violation.

Most of the tertiaries were violations of the coaches "Equal Opportunity" rule, that is, a coach can't have an advantage over another coach when contacting a potential recruit. As an example, Rick took a shower on the day he contacted one of them. That was a violation of rule 3.1415, one of the irrational rules, as they are called. Also, Rick got caught chewing on a breath mint in a recruit's home.

According to the NCAA, all of these alleged violations demonstrate an LIC, a "Lack of Institutional Control." You know, it's that fruit-basket thing all over again, Mal, the one that Elliott Almost and Danny Robthem wrote about in the LA Crimes.

Here's a list of the punishments the NCAA is about to mete out:

• Because he allegedly left the equipment room unattended, Neuheisel will not be permitted to wear his coach's jacket on recruiting trips next year; you know that cute black jacket with the block "W" and Nike swash. What a pity. He looked so darling in it.





• Because he sang "Bow Down to Washington," in a recruit's home, he will not be permitted to take his guitar on any further recruiting trips. I guess most coaches don't even know the words to their fight songs, except Pete Carroll, who sings the words "Fight On," over and over to the tune of "Conquest."





• Because he allegedly talked too loudly within earshot of a recruit he wasn't supposed to contact, he will be required to wear a wool muffler around his neck, one that fully covers his voice box, on future trips. I hope it's purple, Mal.





• Because he allegedly failed to notify the NCAA that he used a private jet on a recruiting trip, he won't be permitted use a motorboat to ferry recruits to his home on Lake Washington; instead, he will be required to use an eight-man skull without coxswain.





• Because Neuheisel allegedly allowed a photographer to take a photo of a potential recruit, Taylor Barton, he will be fined one hour's appearance time at Picture Day in August.





• Because CU allegedly provided an illegal game room to 108 recruits at the Harvest Hotel, he won't be allowed to  sing, "Shine on Harvest Moon" during the next recruiting season.





• Because Neuheisel's personal assistant is alleged to have illegally joined him in the recruitment of Matt Holliday, he will have to sit out one quarter of the Holiday Bowl, if the Huskies should play there next season.





• Because he allegedly used a cell phone outside of a recruit's home, he will not be permitted to charge his cell phone for a period of one week or to use the cigarette lighter in his car as a source of energy for that phone during that period.





• Because it is alleged that three players were brought to a TV studio in Denver to meet reporter Mark McIntosh, he will not be permitted to wear a "mackintosh" during the next three rainy days of practice or to use Dempsey Indoor at that time.





• Because it is alleged that a recruit conducted a "mock" interview with Neu and was given the videotape, Neuheisel will be required to degauss his videotape, “To Kill a Mocking-Bird,” which is part of his personal collection.





• Because it alleged that CU excessively reimbursed 29 recruits by between $3.30 and $36.76, Washington will be forced to pick up the tab and reimburse Colorado for the monies. To recoup the cost, Washington plans to add $.005 to the price of tickets for their next home game with Colorado, whenever that will be.

As a general punishment, Neu's salary will be reduced to $100 million per annum, and a letter of reprimand, jointly written by Coaches Gary Barnett and Mike Bellotti, will be placed in his folder. I hope they use a spell checker.

Ciao, Lotti