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Dancing with Barbara, a Kaleidoscope
By: Malamute, Posted 21 June 2003
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Photo, courtesy of
realdawg.com |
Although the Rick Neuheisel saga is apparently headed for a
tragic ending at this point in his career, there are some ironies and pathos to the
story, as well as injustice. As one reader suggested, Rick Neuheisel is as
pitiable as Jean Valjean in Victor Hugo's, Les Miserables. |
In this article, we take a kaleidoscopic view of the Neuheisel saga, in terms of irony,
plot and verse.
First of all, before developing a Hugo-like plot and a sympathetic verse for the
coach, let's examine some ironies in the story surrounding Coach Neuheisel.
Ironies:
Mike Price is suing Sports Illustrated for $20 million. Evidently, they didn’t
get the facts correct as far as Price and his lawyers are concerned.
How come Price wants $20 million for his reported injustice, while Rick
reportedly only wants $3.6 for his unfair treatment?
Price’s dance with Destiny has ended, as has Rick’s dance with Barbara (see the
verse below).
It just doesn’t pay to be clean cut and sober anymore. Okay, so Rick’s been
dancing with the wrong woman.
Most people want Keith Gilbertson to be the next Husky head coach. How come?
Gilby broke the NCAA rule on gambling, just like Rick, both of them
participating in a 1999 March Madness basketball pool, with Rick also
participating in a neighborhood pool in 2002 and 2003.
Gilby’s wager was only $3.00; however, as part of a four-man team in a
neighborhood pool, Rick’s original investments were slightly more.
As far as the NCAA is concerned, how high is high?
As far as Gilby is concerned, it pays to be a piker.
As far as the NCAA is concerned it pays to be a glutton.
NCAA schools derive much of their revenues ($360 million in 2003) from the
televising of March Madness, where viewer interest is generated by viewer
participation in sports pools.
Plot:
As one reader suggested, Neuheisel is as pitiable as Jean
Valjean was in Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. Like Valjean, Neuheisel has
been pursued relentlessly by his detractors, who in toto have acted like
Inspector Javert.
Well, here's a possible plot for a short story, with a touch of
Les Miserables.
After serving 19 years in prison (at Colorado and UCLA) for
stealing a loaf of bread, Jean Valjean (Neuheisel) is released on parole. However,
everywhere he goes he must show the yellow ticket of freedom, which says he's a
dangerous ex-convict, one who is not to be trusted; he's a Slick Rick, if you
will.
Only the saintly Bishop of Digne
(played by Barbara Hedges) treats
him kindly, and Valjean, embittered by years of hardship at Colorado and UCLA, repays him
(her)
by stealing some silver (the quiet-day episode). Valjean is caught and brought
back by police (the NCAA), and is astonished when the Bishop lies to the police
to save him, also giving him 2 precious candlesticks (a raise in salary). Valjean decides to start
his life at Washington anew.
However, Valjean breaks parole, his secondary rules violations
at Colorado coming
to light, and is pursued obsessively by Inspector Javert, played by John
Levesque, a Seattle P-I reporter, who eavesdrops on a cell-phone conversation
between Valjean and his daughter, Collette, a phone call about the 49ers interview, an
interview that could lead to Valjean's becoming a factory owner and mayor of San Francisco.
Filled with guilt after
capturing him, Javert sets Valjean free and then jumps of the Montlake Bridge in
an act of suicide. Feeling the remorse of his capturer, Valjean jumps off the
bridge and rescues him, for Javert is unable to swim.
Javert converts Valjean, who is
filled with the injustices of life, to police work and offers him a job with the
NCAA. It all ends happily ever after.
Verse:
Although the following verse takes a light-hearted poke at the
whole debacle, I can only wish Coach Rick Neuheisel and his family the best. The
fiasco that apparently has toppled his career at Washington is quite unfair and unjust in my
mind.
Dancing with Barbara
(Dressed in rags, Rick looks to the audience. In the midst of his soliloquy, a
well-coiffured Barbara Hedges takes the stage and shakes her head, no, from side to
side)
“Ne're dancing with Destiny,
I dance with Hedges.
For stepping on her toes,
My fobs she dredges.Back in Boulder,
Said a pornographer;
In walks Barton,
And a photographer.
The photo inspires,
A maelstrom to be;
The Buffs rejoice,
With pleasure and glee."
(Barbara and Rick begin to dance)
“Barb, you’ve done this before,
You’ve cast out your coaches,
You’ve treated us alike,
As dirty roaches.
“Rick, I turned from James,
I ne'er gave him help,
But I’d just been hired,
I was barely a whelp.”
“Barb, you did smite Lambo,
You left him in limbo;
For luring a suitor,
They called you a bimbo.”
“Rick, I gave you a job,
You were barely a man,
Your largess so bountiful,
The media did pan.”
“I never had a chance,
The media like Javert,
I never stole your silver,
Of that you’re aware.”
“While being pursed,
I ran like Valjean.
Each of us was alike,
Was simply a pawn.”
“I ne'er broke laws,
I ne'er stole bread,
Yet, so unfairly,
You want my head.”
“Rick, you lacked good judgment,
Your actions were grotesque,
You showed no contriteness.
You lied to Levesque.”
“I ne'er broke the rules,
I gave to charity,
Hopefully, this adds,
A bit more clarity.”
“Barb, what’s happened to us?
Is something amiss?
Why not justice,
Instead of a diss?”
“I gave Gilby the office,
Though he bet in a pool,
That's my justice?
You blithering fool?”"
“Oh, dearest Barbara,
Of thee dost I dote,
Must we end our dance,
On so sour a note?”
I bring forth this memo,
To prove my innocence,
Please don't treat it,
With such insouciance."
“Rick, our dance has ended,
There's much reprisal,
For your actions,
There'll be no Neuheisel,
“Oh, Dearest Barbara,
'Twere more sunny,
If you want me to leave,
I’ll…I’ll follow the money.”
"Oh, Dearest Rick,
You're no longer a kid,
For your infractions,
You want some quid?
Hit the road Jack,
For I must I retort,
After our
bourrée,
I’ll see you in court.”
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