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Husky Haters Handbook
By Malamute, 18 October 2001
1. Introduction
A symbol for cheating? |
It had been a long year for Husky fans--and for detractors of Husky
football too. The hiring of Rick Neuheisel,
his quiet-day visits (on a Sunday) and the fraternity-house incident,
all occurring in 1999 after he took the Husky job, sparked an outrage from the media and other critics, which
almost led to his ouster. I've satirized this furor--those
tempestuous times--in this handbook. |
The media (see Table 1) and flamers from the Internet
all piled on Coach Neuheisel. Even Coach Gary Barnett, who took over for
Neuheisel at Colorado, accused him of tampering with his players. Nueheisel
had failed to get permission from Colorado to talk with them before he
called to say goodbye and wish them luck.
The moment Neuheisel stepped on board at
Washington, he blundered. He tried to cement Lambright's verbals, along with
other potential recruits he had in mind, by sending
coaches out to talk with them on a Sunday, during the quiet day period, just
before Wednesday's letter-of-intent day. That's an NCAA violation. Sometime
earlier, on the phone with a Colorado friend he'd
worked with, he spoke to Taylor Barton, one of his former players, who asked
to speak with him. Neuheisel
wished him well and encouraged him to stay at Colorado. The charge was
tampering. Then some of his Husky football players did some damage at a
fraternity house on campus. His players were out of control. Another blot
on his record, one Seattle sports writer wrote. Neuheisel had yet to coach a game at
Washington.
| Table
1. Seattle Media Comments (CNN/SI College Football, "Neuheisel News,"
February 5, 1999) |
| Greg Johns, columnist for the Bellevue-based Eastside
Journal. |
"At every public appearance he's made since
arriving in Seattle three weeks ago, new Husky football coach Rick
Neuheisel has been dressed all in black, from his overcoat to his
shoes. Yesterday, he added a black eye to the wardrobe." |
| Art Thiel, of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer |
"Neuheisel's first significant moment as Husky
coach raised a knot on his brow at least as ugly as any spotted on
[former coach Jim] Lambright." |
| The headline over Blaine Newnham's column in The
Seattle Times read |
"Neuheisel jumps gun, shoots himself in the
foot" He wrote: "Neuheisel has a law degree. How can anyone
so smart act so stupid?" |
Someday friends and foes of mighty Washington will look back on these times and share a laugh or two, wondering why we all took them so seriously. After all, sports are nothing more than the toy department located in the department store of life.
The following is for you, Husky haters, use it wisely. You will find an integrity test; recommendations for bumper stickers; a style sheet for guiding your posts on the Husky message board; and a recipe for Husky Haters Hash.
If you’re not a Husky hater, go to section 6.
2. HUSKY HATERS INTEGRITY TEST
According to Husky haters, Rick Neuheisel's integrity is in question. Well, there is no better game than golf to test a person's character. See if you can pass this test, Husky haters. If you're not a golfer, skip to the next section.
a. Have you ever taken a Mulligan? "Hey, I was in such a rush, I never warmed up."
b. Have you ever taken rollovers, improved your lie when you thought your opponent was not looking? "But the ball was in a divot."
c. Have you ever chummed, deliberately missed a short putt to drive up your handicap, i.e., sandbagged? "Yep, give me a double."
d. Have you ever inched a putt? When you were on the green did you place your marker in front of the ball, then when you were ready to putt, place your ball in front of the marker? "Whew, glad he didn't notice that."
e. Have you ever whiffed a ball, missed the ball completely on the downswing when intending to hit it, and not counted the stroke?
"Er hum, call that a practice swing."
f. Have you ever taken a gimme? "What do you mean, it was within the leather."
g. Have you ever made fun of women golfers because they take the rules so seriously? "Man, they count every stroke."
If you answered "no" to all of these questions, then you are a liar. If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, then you are a cheater. If your answers are mixed "no's" and "yes's" then you are a liar and a cheater.
3. HUSKY HATERS BUMPER STICKERS
Some of the Husky haters' comments about Rick Neuheisel that appeared on various message boards on the Internet inspired this section, and we have used their comments to derive a set of bumper stickers for them. If you're easily offended or are under the age of 18, skip to the next section.
Our comments are in parentheses, and our rating system is as follows: *=not worth putting on your car; **=put it on your car in an inconspicuous place; ***=As a Husky hater, and proud owner of "The Husky Haters Handbook," display it prominently.
- Nuke Neu Now, Babbling Babs* (Too many alliterations)
- Husky Fans Never Die; They Just Smell That Way* (That's an Old One)
- Reprisal Against Neuheisel* (Only works in Colorado)
- Honk If You Hate The Huskies* (How Original!)
- UW: Hedges and Weasels with Neuweasel* (There they go again)
- Slick Rick: The Skipper** (For a Husky Hater, this one's not too bad)
- Hedges hedges with Nueweasel* (Too Obvious)
- Guitars are for Surfers, Not Coaches* (Esoteric, dude)
- Skippy Won't Stick With the DAWGS* (Ugh!)
- Slick Rick Don't Stick** (English isn't too good)
- Skippy Will Jump Ship* (Metaphor doesn't work on a car)
- Post-its Stick Better Than Skippy** (Esoteric, but he did do some thinking)
- Rick's Too Slick To Stick*** (Pretty good)
4. HUSKY HATERS STYLE SHEET
To make your posts more readable on various message boards, please use the following elements of style when criticizing Husky coaches and athletic directors. If your English is up to snuff, skip to the next section.
a. Grammar
- Always pick on the correct idiom (see William Safire's Handbook for Writers)
- Never split an infinitive: it's important to not make this mistake.
- Working at the Personal Confuser, your posts will seem more authoritative if
you avoid dangling modifiers like the plague.
- Never splice two sentences together with a comma, use a period to end a sentence.
- Before posting "you're" message, "its" important to run it through a "grammer" and spelling check.
b. Add some color and alliterations to your posts, such as:
- Lambaste Lambright. Example. I'm not lambasting Lambright's successor, but
it sure looks like he's running the Husky ship aground.
- Nuke Neu. Example: Hey, I'm not trying to nuke Neu, but let me say
this you just can't trust a guitar-strumming surfer from California.
- Dredge Hedges. Example: I'm not dredging up any thing against
Hedges, but she did treat Lambo quite callously.
c. Never admit to being a Husky Hater: Hey, I'm not a Husky hater, but
they sure do cheat a lot.
d. Spin the facts, e.g.,
- Since you can't trust a lawyer, don't believe what Neu says.
- The incident at the fraternity house is just another blot on Neu's record.
e. Use the never-say-rope-in-the-house-of-the-hanged ploy when conversing with Husky fans.
Example: I have a cousin named "Billy Joe" who needs a "boost-er" two to get off academic "probation."
Husky haters, be aware that even though the pen is mightier than the
sword, the word
"sworday" is Pig Latin for "words."
5. RECIPE FOR HUSKY HATERS HASH (a.k.a. "Boulderdash,")
After the quiet-day visits, Gary Barnett (Colorado) and several other coaches, as reported by the press, signed a letter "protesting what the punishment might be for Washington." Barnett was quoted as saying they "petitioned the NCAA to make this punishment fit the crime, because it won't. They'll get their hands slapped and they'll be reinstated. That's just the way it's done. I just think that's ridiculous." Later, two of the coaches reportedly signing the letter denied doing so.
The recipe for Husky Haters Hash is dedicated to those coaches and sports writers who welcomed Coach Neuheisel to the Pac-10 conference. If you don't like hash, skip to the next section.
a. Start with an inadvertent, minute mistake, i.e., minute steak.
b. Hammer the "minute steak" repeatedly to soften the mass(es)
c. Add one "cocky" coach, i.e., a cockroach.
d. Add boiling oil and stir while singing "La Cucaracha."
e. Add malicious spice. There's a daily ad running in The Seattle Times' "Sour Grapes" Section, a.k.a. Sports.
f. Let mix cool, then reheat and bring to boiling.
g. Repeat the last two steps ad infinitum, that is, hash and rehash.
Note: Serve to Husky fans on Saturday while singing "Never on Sunday."
6. NEXT SECTION
Take a hike.
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