Weis will need to shake the handle to stop the run

Weis will need to shake the handle to stop the run
Malamute, 27 November 2006

As a result of the Notre Dame/USC football game played last Saturday, here are some tidbits for our resident Domers to gander at and mull over, all of which should strike their fancy and give them a chuckle or two. USC won the game, 44-24.

The following consists of fallacies, truisms, orneriness and answers to your questions.

-- Brady Quinn outplayed John David Booty.

Comment: Passing efficiency on the game:

John David Booty: 161.3
Brady Quinn: 122.0

-- Notre Dame needs a handicap, as in golf, when it plays USC.

Comment: Notre Dame brought along a crew of Big Ten referees, an announcer that attended a Big Ten school and a color man that used to coach at Notre Dame. For parts of the game, what you saw was not what you heard.

-- Notre Dame stopped the USC running attack.

Fact: True freshman C. J. Gable carried the ball 20 times for 107 yards

Comment: Weis will need to shake the handle to stop the run in the Toilet Bowl.

-- Quinn owns ‘SC.

Comment: Over his under-hyped career, Quinn has completed a whopping 50% of his passes against USC.

-- Charlie Weis out-coached Pete Carroll

Comment: Amidst a startling array of powerful opponents, Weis had just four weeks to prepare for ‘SC.

-- Weis won’t cut it as an Irish coach. Why?

Answer: For the next meeting between the two, the grass field at Notre Dame Stadium will be 12 times longer than Weis’s crew cut, thanks to Weis’s Pro-Hopper from Scotts.

Comment: Oh, I almost forgot, Howie Odell (1948-1952) over-watered the field at Husky Stadium to prove to Tommy Harmon that Hurricane Hugh could run in the mud. Harmon, as an LA Sportscaster, told Hugh McElhenny not to go to Washington because he wouldn’t be able to run in the mud.

-- Weis will successfully recruit for speed in spite of his grass policy at Notre Dame.

Comment: Crank that one up as a canard. Does one showcase his talent in a hay field by out-eating the Trojan horse?

-- Tyrone Willingham is a more timely coach than Weis. Why?

Answer: Tyrone was just two seconds away from beating the Trojans, while Charles is two light years away.

-- What was Notre Dame’s chant after Brian Cushing took its onside kick to the house?

Answer: “Bring back Bob Simmons.”

Comment: Now at Washington, coaching special teams, Simmons was the former linebackers coach at Notre Dame.

-- Notre Dame needed to fire Tyrone Willingham? Why?

Answer: Because the powers to be are Weis-guys.

Comment: As its losses to USC mount, Notre Dame's firing of Willingham will appear less prudent and more lamentable. Winning over USC is Weis' benchmark because of the patsies he plays..

-- ‘SC owns the Irish. Why?

Answer: Five-straight wins and many more to come.

-- Northwestern’s Brent Musberger, 67, is underrated, unbiased and barely mentioned Quinn’s name during the ABC broadcast.

Comment: Crank that one up as a canard.

-- What constitutes inhumane treatment?

Answer: Having to listen to Musberger, Bob Davie and Joe Theisman covering one of Quinn’s games.

-- For some reason, Musberger believes he needs to patronize Irish fans – which in reality insults their intelligence.

Comment: They all know that Notre Dame was thrashed, outclassed and humiliated (considering its number six ranking and previous losses to ‘SC).

-- Pabulum-fed Notre Dame Fans need to eat some meat and potatoes and grow up. Why?

Answer: Because the dashing, personable Charlie Weis is over-weighted and lonely.

-- Remember when the Memorial Coliseum used to be half green, half cardinal and had Ara Parseghian crying out, “That damned horse.”

Comment: The last fact gives meaning to removing some rows, raising the field and reinstalling the track, the reverse of which should happen at UW in a restructured stadium. Spirit would have plenty of room for roaming the side-lines sans the track.

-- Quinn’s long run reminded me of Heisman Trophy winner Terry Baker’s 99-yard gallop in the 1962 Liberty Bowl.

Comment: Only Baker took it to the house on a frozen field and Quinn won’t win the Heisman Trophy for his past play on any field, especially those against ranked teams. Baker played for Oregon State. Later, Baker ended up with the Los Angeles Rams in a quarterback controversy with Roman Gabriel and finished his career with the Rams as a running back.