|Phillip Francis Queeg
||Former Captain of the U.S.S. Caine, "The
Caine Mutiny," by Herman Wouk.
||David Samek, Publisher/Editor of dawgman.com, a popular
Washington Husky web site.
|Captain Larry Coker
||Coach of the Miami Hurricane football team, and Captain
of the U.S.S. 'Cane.
|Captain Rick Neuheisel
||Coach of the Washington Husky football team.
||Barbara Hedges, Athletic Director, University of Washington.
||Taylor Barton, quarterback, Washington Huskies.
||Cody Pickett, the Caldwell Cowboy, quarterback,
||Ken Dorsey, quarterback, Miami Hurricanes.
|Officer Lee Groinman
||A fictional police officer working for the Seattle
Police Department. As an avid fan of the Washington Huskies, he writes
||Charles E.T. Frederick, wide receiver, Washington
|18" of laser honed hickory
||Officer Groinman's nightstick.
||John Anderson, place kicker, Washington Huskies.
||Rich Alexis, running back, Washington Huskies.
||Former coach of
the Miami Hurricanes, now coaching the Cleveland Browns.
The following is a missive sent from Phillip Francis Queeg to Larry
Coker. After perusing several Internet message boards, Queeg has
intercepted three code words, "ET," "dawgman," and
"Groinman" that he believes relate to the upcoming battle in Miami
between the men of the good ship Washington and the men of the U.S.S. 'Cane.
Now hear this, Captain Coker,
have some urgent news; the good news is that I believe I have broken the U.S.S.
Washington's secret code. Along with the good comes the bad, so batten down the
hatches and check your belaying pins.
But first let me congratulate you
on your new command as Captain of the U.S.S. ‘Cane, which is based in Port Miami. As
you know, the
U.S.S. ‘Cane lost the
“Battle in Seattle” last year; shortly thereafter, its former skipper,
Captain Butch Davis, mutinied and left the ‘Cane in high seas, presumably floundering
for its title hopes during its next campaign.
Speaking of mutiny, as the former captain of the U.S.S.
Caine, I’m still haunted by Lt. Maryk’s
words: “Captain, I'm sorry, but you're a
sick man. I'm relieving you as captain of this ship under article 184.” That
was mutiny, Captain Coker, and I fear another ‘Cane mutiny is in the making.
Where? Right after the
"Whammy in Miami II," after the battle between the 'Cane and the men of the
good ship Washington.
How do I know?
Well, I am privy to scuttlebutt appearing on several U.S.S.
Washington message boards. I have analyzed the intercepted messages and
have decoded them. In the main, these messages consist of three code words (ET, Groinman and dawgman), which
frequently appear on these boards. It's all in the codes, Captain. Our very
being depends on codes. That's why I'm in here.
IMHO, you are faced with
some formidable, daunting odds, much like filling an
inside straight in the Bahamas, much like finding out who ate the
strawberries. Here is my reasoning.
An Armada: The U.S.S. Washington’s Skipper (no
pun intended) will cast off from Seattle as part of an armada,
Admiral Hedges in command. Another battleship, “Raze-the- Canes” will augment the Washington’s forces.
After landing in Miami by air, a former swab
named dawgman (a code word), who has enlisted a
group of motley sea dawgs, will captain it. I fear you will be
outflanked and outmaneuvered. The cut of his jib shivers me timbers (see
Training Exercises: Earlier this year, Captain
dawgman docked in Key West and Cozumel for training exercises.
Once on board "Raze-the-Canes," his sea dawgs will be
more than ready to man the bilge pumps and tie a clove hitch. An obedient
bunch, there will be no sea lawyers among them debating admiralty law.
A Mutiny of Floridians: Three young swabs jumped
ship, leaving the South Florida seas, and are now in Port Seattle training for
battle. A young swab called “ET” (a
codeword) is the latest mutineer, following boatswain Alexis to Seattle. As
you know, Bos'n Alexis cannonaded the ‘Cane
“Battle in Seattle.” Another mutineer, Ensign “Howitzer” Anderson, can
lob shot with uncanny accuracy. All three of these men, who are
most familiar with the South Florida waters, can lay
out a course with precision using a compass rose.
There will be no need for celestial navigation.
Hurry-Cane Port, Dawgfish Starboard: This is a
tactical maneuver (fake left, go right) that an Officer Groinman
(another code word) sent to Captain Nueheisel, who plans to use it as a form of tacking.
I believe that either coxswains Pickett or Barton will shout "about ship" to
engage the tactic.
A Triple Whammy: In 1994, the two ships met in
Port Miami, the 'Cane losing the battle called the "Whammy in Miami."
The men of the good ship Washington scuttled the 'Cane, sending it to dry dock
for repairs. Before the battle, the U.S.S. 'Cane had won 58-straight battles
defending its home port. The loss at the "Battle in Seattle" was a double
whammy, if you will pardon the expression. I have not heard of a triple
whammy; however, this could be it.
The Code Words (ET,
Groinman, dawgman): I'll try to
anchor down these code words using a decoding scheme. As of now, I
believe that the swab called ET is an extraterrestrial; several intercepted
communiqués saying that ET is “out of this world” support this notion.
As a consequence, I have tried to contact Area 51, but to no avail. The word
“Groinman” has something to do with 18” of laser-honed hickory. This may
be a secret weapon that is being developed for the U.S.S. Washington. Lastly,
may be a spy, doubling this duty with his Captaincy. The word “dawgman”
supports my perception that he is a spy, as in “dogging” someone.
They say that Captain Neuheisel may put a spy on your Coxswain, Mr.
Kenneth Dorsey. If so, dawgman must certainly be that spy.
Working on this cipher
has sent shivers up me spinnakers. Last night I was awakened by this visage:
Herald (25 November 2001): “A
‘Cane Mutiny on the way? As if using a club made of laser-honed hickory,
ET, who is out of this
world, along with the men of the good ship Washington, battered the U.S.S.
‘Cane, sinking its title hopes in the ‘Whammy in Miami II.’ For the 'Canes, its memory will forever
their 'man,' Captain Larry Coker.”
portent neither set us adrift nor run us aground.
lend ballast to your forthcoming endeavors; may your course always be set true.
Francis Queeg, Captain USN,
Your weaknesses and vulnerabilities surface during
battle. You can’t hide them anymore. God's made many so imperfectly, both mentally and physically. He's given some a bad roll of the dice,
some crapping out. Once they know about them, they take advantage
of them. My doctor explained it to me. It’s as if you were tied naked to the main mast,
the secret codes decrypted for all to see. It's all
in the codes, Captain--God, the encoder; battle, the decoder.
I have another hearing tomorrow. I’ll hide the steel
balls in my dresser. It’s better that way. They’ll ask about the
strawberries. They always do, and I’ll give them the same answer, the one I
"The strawberries, sir? 'Ah, but the strawberries! That's,
that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved
beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a
duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist.'"
article is dedicated to the men of the U.S.S. Washington who ended Miami's
58-game home winning streak in 1994 and who scuttled their BCS title hopes
of Officer Groinman, courtesy of dawgman.com.